I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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