I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
