My friends, they love my intelligence
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
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