I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
