Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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