I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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