I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
