He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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