I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
