Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
