you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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