Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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