if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
