We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
