Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
