I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
