According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
