This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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