Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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