i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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