I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
