Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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