I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
