I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
