is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
