Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just want nice things and good sex
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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