ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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