I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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