If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
