You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
