yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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