i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
