Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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