Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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