I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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