the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
