broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
