6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
