new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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