There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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