Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
