those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Who put my cat in the fridge?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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