There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
