I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Randomize
