I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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