I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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