ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have fence marks all over my body
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
