I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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