we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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