If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
