Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I just got carded by a ten year old.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
