I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
