If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
