Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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