I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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