Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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